32 Rules of Zombieland
Zombieland has 32 rules and for the most part alot of them go unspoken and some I simply cant remember. So I thought what better job then fill in all the missing rules to give everyone a good and proper education on how to survive a zombie outbreak. So with only about 6 of the Zombieland Rules actually shared in the film here is my 32 Rules of Surviving Zombieland.. give or take.
The actual zombieland rules are in ITALIC. My filler rules are not. As we get more of the official rules we missed this list will be updated so please leave comments and we will fill in all the missing numbers!
Rule 1: Cardio: This one comes up in Zombieland and clearly makes alot of sense. How many fat people do you see at the end of the world when its zombies doing the ending?
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms: Really not just bathrooms any good apocalyptic zombie survivor should know better then going into a bathroom, small closet or any other small room with only one way in or out. Only thing stupider to go into then a bathroom is a movie theater. Lots of places to run around before you get eaten.
Rule 3: Seatbelts: Its a safe bet unless your a complete dumb dumb ( see rule #7 ) your not going to be hoofing it on foot in the event of a zombie outbreak. So when traveling on four wheels wear your seat belt. Nothing worse then finding yourself ejected out of your car into the loving and oh so hungry arms of zombies.
Rule 4: Doubletap: Carrying a gun is a great idea but it should never be your primary weapon. When you do end up using it for that last minute oh shit' moment remember to double tap. Its an emergency and thats why your using it and not your cricket bat so why skimp? One bullet more in the head will go a long way to ensuring your survival.
Rule 5: No Attachments: This is a tough one but you can not have attachments. If you got kids or a wife your less likely to survive then the gal or guy who has no attachments and nothing slowing him or her down. Or worse yet making bonehead decisions like 'going back into the room'
Rule 6: Travel in a Group: The best way to increase your odds of survival when traveling in a zombie outbreak is to make sure your a traveling buffet. Going it alone gives the zombies no choices but to eat you. Going it with the old man with the limp, the little kid who cant run and the middle aged woman with the plastic leg gives the zombies more options and you better odds you can run away faster then they can.
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand: One of the most sure fire ways of making sure you survive is keeping the less intelligent as close at hand as possible. When you find somebody who asks you 'Whats going on? What Happened? Those are the ones you want with you. That way when the zombies come they are likely to stupid to realize its not Amway calling and run.
Rule 8: Kill with Efficiency: Its not about pretty its about efficiency. A lot of folks run for the gun cabinet where as the truly savvy go looking for the most blunt and effective way to destroy the brain. That can be anything from a baseball bat... to a toilet lid! Kill with Efficiency... Don't use weapons that need something to work and use weapons you can swing over and over and over again. You don't tend to run into 1 zombie at a time.
Rule 9: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing: This one is simple. Guns need bullets. When your running who has time to stop for bullets? Keeping a shotgun with buckshot on hand is important but only when your pinned in and need a quick getaway. Its not a proper means for killing zombies as they run out of ammo and need reloading. Remember a Cricket Bat, or Toilet Lid do not need loading!
Rule 10: Be Quiet: Its the end of the world as you know it so try to avoid squeeling like a 4th grade school girl and perhaps invest in some good sneakers. Nobody said you have to kill all the zombies and there is certainly no shame in sneaking around and surviving versus tearing around like a madman and ending up being an undead happy meal.
Rule 15: Know Your Way out! Nothing worse then a poorly planned escape. If your going to be a hero its always a good idea to plan ahead and as the rule states.. know your way out!
Rule 17: Don't Be a Hero: The hot chickwho was totally gonna give you some is not worth becoming the undead. So when the going gets rough and the hot chick is about to get undead... its time to flee. No making a stand no ending up a brave zombie. Better to be a chicken liver live guy.
Rule 18: Limber Up: When either fighting a zombie or running from zombies its not a great time to be pulling a muscle or throwing your back out. So limbering up is kind of a must. Stretch it out a little.. it may save your life.
Rule 19: Blend in: Much as Shaun did in Shaun of the Dead its important to blend in. Whens the last time you saw a zombie try to eat another zombie? not easily done but with the right odor and smearing of goo on your face it can happen.
Rule 20: Find The Right Shelter: Shelter is key to survival but since we are already traveling in a group you should ask yourself why the shelter needs to be stationary. For me a motor home or large all terrain vehicle that seats a half dozen would do nicely. Plus when zombies arrive in your neighbourhood there is no last minute scramble to pack and leave. Just put it in drive and roll!
Rule 21: Zombies cant Climb. Much like you have never seen a zombie eat another zombie whens the last time you saw a zombie climb a wall? Well other then the debacle that was the remake of Day of the Dead which had spiderman zombies. Zombies can climb so find high ground if you do need to stop.
Rule 22: Be ruthless: Much like having no attachments being ruthless is key. When your bride turns into the undead, reach for the lid to the toilet seat and be ruthless. The weak and compassionate will not survive in the world of the undead.
Rule 23: God Bless Rednecks: Rednecks are loud, brash, well armed and ready to kick ass now and ask questions later. So when a redneck shows up in your group half drunk and rumbling louder then your humvee welcome him. Sure rednecks can attract zombies but they also are well armed and kill a whole lot of em when they do come for dinner. Best of all they are good bait for you to make your exit while he is making a mess of the zombies and before he realizes he just ran out of bullets and does the happy meal groan.
Rule 24: No Drinking. This one should be pretty plain obvious. Escaping zombies is tough enough as it is. How well do you think you will do after downing a couple shots of Jack Daniels? Drinking is not a good survival tactic.
Rule 31: Check the Back Seat. I cant tell you how many times somebody has eaten it or in this case been eaten because they are just not smart enough to check the back seat. Always check the back seat friends. Always!
Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things: Its the end of the world. Don't sweat the small stuff. Loot a neighborhood or two, trash a car, speed! Do the little things and enjoy em. Who knows how long you have to live!
As much as I promised you 32 rules this is where my list ends. It ends so you can fill in your own for all the numbers I skipped! Yes I do know how to count to 32 ( but not 50 ). What other key rules does civilization need to abide by to survive in a land filled with zombies? Leave them in the comments!
11.08.2009 at 2:25 PM
hm, i think RULE # 33 should be: beware of a mall or department store, honestly how many freaken zombie movies have you seen were the main characters go into the mall and all die cause they think "Oh its a store no zombies there" WTF? lol so it's a good rule to have obviously
11.08.2009 at 2:58 PM
Rule # 25: pick up a martial art. This falls in place with rule 1, okay so you picked up cardio and you can run fast, but what if you have no weapon and your cornered? KARATE! or ti kwon do! this comes in handy in MY opinion. (awesome list BTW)
11.09.2009 at 6:09 PM
When you hear a strange noise, run away! It's a no brainer! So you think you heard a noise downstairs. Only an idiot actually opens the door. The correct answer was bolt and key. But hey, if you think you heard kittens down there, by all means, go look. Leave your valuables for the rest of us, and thanks for playing.
11.09.2009 at 11:26 PM
I got another one...lol Okay rule # 26 Never grab the weakest weapon you idiot! okay you can choose a gun, a candy bar, and a bar of soap....who the flip ever sees a movie were they pick the soap? LMAO
12.21.2009 at 9:53 PM
rule #27 zombies don't have a brain and you do, use it
12.28.2009 at 7:46 AM
one fault i see with this list is u say zombies cant climb hmmm i wonder how they nearly got lil rock and witchita on the ride THEY CLIMBED!
1.15.2010 at 3:51 PM
For those of you that don't know, zombie season runs from the middle of January through February 13th.
Zombies must be at least 3'7" or you have to throw them back.
San Francisco has a catch and release program if you love the sport but just have a hard time putting grandma down.
Unlike other game species, the Zombie population is actually growing. So there is no limit. Yet there are still some rules.
1. When hunting in a group of three or more, the person who runs the slowest gets first shot.
2. If the zombie doesn't go down with the first shot, subsequent shots shall be taken by the rest of the party starting with the shooter to the first shooters right.
3. People with limps or severe charlie horses are not allowed on a hunt, as these physical conditions make it hard to destinguish them from the prey at long ranges.
4. NO HIGH EXPLOSIVES. (exemption: Georgia and Alabama, where hunting with High Explosives is an American tradition.)
5. One Mulligan per season: When you receive your zombie hunting license you will also receive one (1) Mulligan Card. This card is to be used as an exemption in the case of an accident...Example: A zombie walks by the annoying neighbor who got drunk and pissed on your gladiolas. You take a shot and miss the zombie and take out the annoying neighbor instead...MULLIGAN!
6. Bow and Blade season begins on Jan 2nd.
7. It is illegal to create a "Crawler." A "Crawler" is a zombie that is not bi-pedably mobile. A Zombie that drags itself along with its arms is a tripping hazard (CAL-OSHA Rule 3.7 Sec.23). You must dispatch any crawlers.
8. It is illegal to use children as bait. Any person or persons using children as bait can be fined as much as $13.47.
9. Necrophiliacs are not allowed a license. ( He’s the guy with the ’sleeping with the enemy’ t-shirt.)
10. The use of dogs is permitted.
11. The use of automatic weapons is prohibited. Studies show that large capacity weapons used during zombie hunting can leave extremely high levels of cordite in the air. ( Which as we all know…leads to global warming. )
12. During competitive shoots, switching body parts to achieve a bigger ‘trophy ’ is a finable violation.
13. Keith Richards is NOT a zombie.
14. Keith Richards IS a zombie.
15. No freakin’ clue, Keith Richards is on his own.
16. In the event that there is an argument over who shot a specific zombie, the person with the larger firearm shall be deemed the winner of any such argument. (It just saves time and ammo)
17. As of 2/7/2010, it will no longer be legal to use incendiary rounds when Zombie hunting. A flaming zombie is just an accident waiting to happen (….and studies show they lead to global warming.)
18. Head shots kill zombies, women hunters shall refrain from close range crotch assaults on the genitalia of male zombies while using large bore shot guns. Such actions cause nausea in nearby male hunters and let’s face it, It is just wicked wrong.
19. It is illegal to transport a zombie across state lines.
20. It is against federal regulations to drive a Prius to a zombie hunt. (unless you are French or Canadian)
21. You have to wait for a victim to turn into a zombie before you can dispatch them. ( Cal. Ex-Spouse Act of 2003)
22. Due to dehydration and limited mental capacity, Zombie attire will appear baggy and over sized. It is not uncommon to see a zombie with it’s boxers showing and headgear askew. Because of this fact you will not have to use your MULLIGAN card if someone intentionally dressed like a zombie takes a bullet. (Darwin Act 1997, Not Dressing Like Bambi During Deer Season)
23. Mummy’s are not Zombies and are illegal to hunt. Unlike Zombies, Mummy’s are an endangered species. Destruction of a Mummy is a crime and carries a punishment of a $5,000 fine and being made to watch ‘
1.24.2010 at 7:20 PM
Except, Zombies can climb, especially in Zombieland, when they were climbing up the ride that Wichita and Little Rock got stuck on.
2.07.2010 at 10:20 AM
Rule # 33: (for me at least, honestly it's my only rule/plan) If you have an apartment complex near you, raid a grocery store, lead all the zombies out, get inside and shove all your food in an elevater... Then just live inside the maintenance control room, because the only way in is the elevator and you can turn it off in the control room. If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, thats where you'll find me.
2.08.2010 at 6:21 PM
Nice steve zombie hunting for the win however automatic sniper rifes?
3.12.2010 at 11:18 AM
Hey guys you want to have fun go to the nearest armed forces base you see me with a SHYT LOAD of ammo an C17 M16 and a Barett .50 ( thats for joy shooting lol ) you want to join me hey the more the merrier
4.17.2010 at 5:24 PM
heres Tallahassee's list of rules 1.nut up or shut up 2.God Bless Rednecks 3.hit the zombie and hit'em hard 4.find a Twinkie 5.Enjoy the Little Things 6.don't kill one zombie kill'em all
7.15.2010 at 3:45 PM
Make sure that you have a sturdy vehicle you don't want to break down while your going through a croud of zombies. Also make sure that your hyderated, rule #1 is cardio and running sucks when your dehyderated.